The folk one is dying to meet
by bhut
Summary: Danny's afterlife is nothing like what he expected it to be.
1. Chapter 1

**The folk one is dying to meet**

_Disclaimer: none of the characters are mine, but belong to Impossible Pictures™._

"And so, Patrick, I've caught you at a long last."

Danny and his brother Patrick-slash-Ethan were sitting in a cave lost somewhere in the mist of time. Danny wasn't fully sure where their chase-and-pursuit had led them to, for while earlier in the fog he had seen some giant silhouettes that could've been giant carnivorous dinosaurs of the past or just as easily they could've been huge flightless birds from the future, now he wasn't seeing any of the local wildlife.

Then again, this didn't matter. His brother was finally with him, and he was driving Danny insane.

"Danny, listen to me," Ethan was telling the older man, "you can't take me back home? I'll go mad there, mad! Well, worse than I already am. Please let me go, I'm unfit for the regular society-"

Something snapped in Danny. "You want to talk about insanity?" he snapped, even as the fire in their cavern where they were staying for the night cast great black shadows upon the walls. "You want to talk about fitness into regular society? Don't you know the problem I'm having? The ghosts of Helen Cutter, and that wretched raptor, and those primitive ape-men – they all are haunting me ever since I left area 333 or whatever Connor has called it! They are present even now, mocking me with their glares and stares! Yet you don't see me taking out my frustrations on the neighbourhood, now do you?"

Something snapped. Something snapped high in the ceiling of the cavern that Danny and his brother were staying at, and a huge shower of granite and other stone debris fell on top of the two men, killing them by grinding them into dust even as the huge avalanche rolled down the slope and into the river that was flowing into a swamp...

/

"What has happened?" Ethan groaned, even as Danny was beginning to realize that on one hand, the other man was no longer tied, and on the other, their fire had gone out, plus-

Ethan was the first to catch on: "Where all of these characters have come from?"

"Didn't you hear him speak?" Helen Cutter asked, as she languidly stretched against one side of the cavern. "We're the ghosts that were haunting Danny because he forgot to bury us, see?"

Danny slowly looked around. Sure enough, Helen Cutter aside, the australopithecines (or their ghosts?) were there, slowly walking around the periphery of the cavern, looking rather cautious. Then again, considering that everyone else appeared to be rather bigger than they were, some caution wasn't amiss.

Ethan, however, wasn't finished. "If what Danny said is true, then where's the raptor he was babbling about?"

"Over there, playing with the alligator," Helen explained serenely, and sure enough, the raptor was there, playing indeed with some alligator that Danny hadn't seen before.

"The poor thing got swept up by the avalanche you started," Helen explained carefully, "and so it got smashed up and drowned in its burrow. Very depressive for it, I'm sure, but at least the raptor is enjoying the company of another reptile now, you know?"

"Hmm," Ethan said slowly. "Looks like we are dead, because this place looks nothing like the cavern we were in earlier – much too damp and dark. Oh well, better this than the underworld – do you have any cards or dice that we can pass time with?"

"I've got dice – I don't usually gamble," Helen replied, pulling out a pair of black and white dice. "These'll do?"

"In a pinch," Ethan agreed, and soon he and Helen were engaged in a lively game of dice (and the australopithecines were slowly gathering round to see what they were doing).

"No," Danny whispered desperately, "no. This isn't my afterlife! I cannot be stuck in a dark, damp hole underground with a bunch of animals, my brother and Helen! No!"

Danny fainted.

_TBC_


	2. Chapter 2

**A new face drops in**

_Disclaimer: none of the characters are mine, but belong to Impossible Pictures™._

After Danny had fainted, Ethan and Helen looked at him: Ethan with curiosity, Helen with disinterest. "So," Helen said after a brief pause, since it was obvious that Ethan had abandoned even dice to poke Danny with Danny's own stick, "does he do it often?"

"You mean this channelling of his inner fainting goat?" Ethan replied helpfully. "No, not really – he must've changed more in my absence than even I have thought."

"Sorry to hear that," Helen didn't sound any sorry at all. "One of the australopithecines looks as if it wants to ape you – care to share the stick?"

"Normally no, but it's Danny, so it's all right," Ethan shrugged and passed Danny's staff to the Australopithecus. "Knock yourself out."

Instead of doing that, as Ethan half-expected it to, the Australopithecus did indeed begin to poke Danny with the stick, followed by the rest of the australopithecine tribe.

"Well, that'll occupy them for a while," Ethan shrugged, turning back to Helen. "Now, what about those dice?"

"Well-" but Helen didn't finish, for their domain began to shudder once again. Both the earth and the subterranean waters began to shake.

"It's a cave-in!" yelled Ethan, just before the front portion of their cavern collapsed, burying Danny halfway, and releasing a large, furry mammal into the cavern. It took one good look, emitted a shrill cry and whirled to flee, but it was all over – the cave-in was over, and the hole in the roof was sealed once again.

"Okay, that's new," Ethan said thoughtfully. "What is that beast, anyways?"

"I think that it's an alpaca," Helen said thoughtfully. "Hmm. I guess that means that we're stuck in historical times, because it's a domestic animal, not a wild one."

"That's cool," Ethan replied, not really paying attention, "but can you ride it?"

"Why don't you try?" Helen replied nonchalantly.

"Don't mind if I will!" Ethan said excitedly and jumped on. Immediately, the alpaca emitted a shrill cry of alarm and fled through the wall, with Ethan still on its back.

"Oh, right, I forgot that it's a ghost too," Helen admitted to the australopithecines, "but where did it come from? What brought it here? I ought to find out." And upon deciding that, Helen followed Ethan and its steed, not caring if anyone followed her or not.

/

Very soon, Helen found herself out of the subterranean cavern, standing in front of a wasteland. The avalanche had fallen into a river, and its debris, mixed with the river's waters, came into a swamp, transforming it into a devastated wasteland, full of rocks and sand, silt and water...

Carefully, Helen peered closely at their new, watery grave. Sure enough, she could feel the sensation of time already – soon, within two decades, the traces of this mini-avalanche will be gone, but for now...

For now, the locals will have to deal with an unpleasant surprise, as a team of the local alpaca-herders have discovered. The alpacas, not being exactly the smartest of beasts, have not handled the surprise of coming to a clogged and buried river very well – they panicked and scattered, and at least one of them had fallen into the alligator's old sinkhole and died.

Speaking of the alligator, there it was, cruising the waters of its old/new haunt like a ghostly battleship, ignoring the raptor, that half-swam half-run after it. The australopithecines were there as well, looking around, and still carrying Danny's stick with them.

"Here," Helen rolled her eyes even as she took the stick back from them. "Watch this." She whacked one of the rocks with it, and the rock went flying as if it was a golf ball. "Now you try it," she added and handed Danny's stick back to them.

As the australopithecines began to excitedly experiment with the stick and rocks, Helen walked over to Ethan, who was noticeably not riding around. "Didn't go very well, hah?"

"No, it saw its relatives and ran off," Ethan admitted. "They don't like being chased by a ghost very much, you know?"

Helen shook her head. Between Ethan, the australopithecines and the reptiles, she was going to have her hands full. Whoever thought that the afterlife has to be either painful or boring?

"Why are the australopithecines playing golf with my stick?" yet another familiar voice spoke from behind her and Ethan – it was Danny, apparently he had recovered.

_TBC_


	3. Chapter 3

**Sunny-side – up or down?**

_Disclaimer: see previous chapters._

"Ah, Danny, hello," Helen once more took on that languid tone that Danny was growing to hate very rapidly. "What's up?"

"What's going on here?"Danny pressed on. "Why is my brother sitting there, looking like a moron?"

"He tried to ride an alpaca, and it threw him off."

"Why are the australopithecines playing golf with my stick?"

"'Cause I showed them how."

"And why is the raptor playing with the alligator?"

"That," Helen said thoughtfully, "I had nothing to do with. Want to play dice?"

"No!" Danny yelled loudly, all over their new wasteland. "What for?"

"'Cause I'm – worried?" Helen replied quietly. "This is the first time I got stuck anywhere, in a long while, and since that 'while' of us being here is likely to be long, I don't like it."

"Well, tough!" Danny spat. "Think of it as your karmic payback for all the crimes that you committed against humanity-"

"You're my karmic payback?" Helen got back on her feet and looked Danny straight in the eye. "Hmm. I could've done far worse – I could've gone with Oliver Leek instead." She smiled in a leering way.

Danny's eye twitched. "If you weren't a woman, technically, I'd take you down so hard-"

"Firstly, if I was a man, I wouldn't be so excited about your company," Helen said cheerfully, even as she pulled out a couple of blades out of her ever-present backpack, "and secondly? Fighting someone who _isn't_ trying to kill me? It actually sounds like fun!" She rotated the grip on her weapons so that they were facing Danny hilt first. "Let's do it!"

"Let me get Molly first," Danny said, suddenly unsure just how good Helen was in a fair fight. "Now where did I leave it?"

And then he saw it. The australopithecines were using it to play impromptu golf, just as Helen told him. And they were going at it very seriously: although they were just using sticks (including Molly) to hit rocks over a wasteland, they acted and sounded almost like James Lester and his peers, when the latter were golfing at some designated area. Even as Danny (and Helen) watched, one of the australopithecines, having scored a direct hit, began to dance a victory dance.

"You couldn't have taught them that while they were _alive?_" Danny asked bitterly. "Then maybe everything would've been different-"

And then the sun came forth through the cloud cover, dispersing the fog. Danny, Helen, and the others felt its shaft searing them with heat and blinding them with light.

"Everybody down!" somebody yelled. Danny was sure that it wasn't him, but he complied all the same, and didn't stop until he was safely down back in the underground cavern with the others.

"… I guess we know now why there aren't any ghosts outside in broad daylight," he turned to Helen, who was no longer next to him, but was crooning something - possibly reassuring - to the alligator and the raptor. "I guess bonding session is over."

"Aw, don't feel so sad!" Ethan wandered over to him. "I'm sure that we can cheer you up!"

"We? Who's that 'we'?" Danny asked sceptically. "Have you now developed a split personality on top of your other issues?"

"Nope, but I did pick up a pair of lizards," Ethan pointed out helpfully, showing that indeed there now was a pair of ghostly lizards sitting on his shoulders, "see? Amusing little buggers."

Something cautiously prod Danny's back. "And, of course, there's the so-called alpaca," Ethan added, as if in afterthought.

Danny carefully turned around and saw the friendliest, fluffiest creature he had ever seen ever since he had to give up his teddy bear when he became a big boy. "It's so fluffy!" he yelled and gave the startled alpaca a hug.

"Well that crisis is over," Ethan muttered smugly to himself and walked over to Helen to talk about these dice.

_TBC_


	4. Chapter 4

**The ants go marching one by one**

_Disclaimer: see previous chapters._

Once upon a time, when Ethan stopped daydreaming about some hot chicken soup, he came to his senses, and saw that Helen wasn't busy juggling her dice on the flat of her blade (or just juggling something or other, period), but rather huddling alongside the australopithecines, looking at something on the ground.

Not caring to confront Helen directly (one never knows what she'll think of next), Ethan looked around for Danny, but Danny was busy grooming his new alpaca, and all Ethan was left with were his anoles – good lads, but not quite the team one needed to confront Helen Cutter.

On the other hand, Ethan was something of a one-man army himself, and had no intention of backing down without a fight from anyone, alive or dead. Therefore, he steeled himself and walked over to Helen. "What's up?" he asked nonchalantly.

"Ants," Helen replied matter-of-factly, "real, live, ants. The australopithecines are probably reliving their past meals, I... I am just pleased to finally see animal life of some sort making an appearance at last."

"_Animal_ life? What about plants?" Ethan shot back, before realizing what he had said. "Plants..."

The wasteland around them had changed. No longer a quagmire of water and silt, sand and stone, it was now more of a swampy meadow, full of lush vegetation. The mountains and hills that have surrounded them too have changed, by growing shorter (and some have become shorter by a lot).

"What's going on?" Ethan asked, feeling slightly unbalanced.

"Time," Helen replied solemnly. "It waits for no one. While you were asleep, and Danny was mastering the art of riding an alpaca ghost, I was keeping a watch on time, seeing how it passed, how it changed things, and look! It had brought animals to the damage that you and your brother have done, once again!"

"Yeah, whatever. They're still just ants," Ethan said, feigning disinterest. 'Feigning' being the key word here, since the tone of Helen's voice, the look on her face, were rather frightening, even for him. Therefore, he backed away and failed to see a very brief, yet rather serpentine smile that appeared momentarily on Helen's lips.

"Soon," Helen whispered in a voice that would've caused Danny to confront her immediately and demand to know what she was up to, if he had heard her speak. "Soon the time will be upon us, I can hear it."

And then the moment was gone, and Helen turned back to the fledgling ant hill, observing how the ants hustled and bustled for the rest of the morning.

_TBC_


	5. Chapter 5

**...And the hare and the antelope play...**

_Disclaimer: none of the characters are mine, but belong to Impossible Pictures™._

And so time went on, not that anyone was paying attention (Helen _so_ was). Mountains became hills, hills became lowlands, the wasteland that Danny and Ethan had accidently created became a swampy meadow that was growing increasingly dry – time went on.

And so it happened – once upon a _time_ that Danny Quinn realized that he had spent quite a bit of time with both his brother and Helen Cutter, and nothing had happened: not to him, not to them, not to anyone else, but on the contrary, the three of them appeared to have drifted apart without giving much of a damn about each other at all. Weird, and disturbing...

Danny was never the one to dawdle around when things got messy, so he buckled up and confronted the two of them.

"What?" Ethan replied as he was sitting (or lurking?) in the shade of a tree. "Nobody's fighting anyone? True. Helen is busy studying ants, wasps, butterflies – other bugs that came to live here. The raptor and the alligator are busy with each other in the bulrushes to care about anyone else. You're busy with your alpacas, I got my little friends and the australopithecines – there they are, actually."

And indeed the latter were busy harassing either earthworms or millipedes, clearly wishing to be alive so that they could catch and eat them!

"Okay, my nose is itching and my feet are twitching – why are you talking about me?" Helen asked, as she joined the two men halfway in the clearing.

"We're just missing you?" Ethan suggested with his most insincere grin.

"Oh really?" Helen replied absent-mindedly, looking around at them roughly to the line of the horizon. "Then I've got something to tell you: our time together is up!"

"What?" Danny shouted but was unable to finish, as a herd of pronghorns, also known as the American antelopes, burst onto the scene, trying to outrun an upcoming storm (which was also the reason why the ghosts were aboveground in daytime). Helen, seizing the moment, tore away from the other two, quickly vanishing into the herd.

"Isn't she going to die? Oh, wait, we're all already dead," Ethan shook his head, but Danny was done listening to him:

"You idiot! There's a time anomaly. Helen plans to use it," he trailed away and set his alpaca after the pronghorn herd. But it was too late: the herd of the pronghorns have already reached the time anomaly, and it had snapped shut, cutting-off the hooting laughter of Helen for good.

Ethan just shrugged and looked at his anoles, even as Danny cursed and rolled around the ground:

"So, now that that bonding session with Danny is over, what do you want to do now?"

_TBC_


	6. Chapter 6

**Epilogue**

_Disclaimer: see previous chapters._

The sun was shining, the gulls were crying in the sky, and a woman was observing the apes in the monkey house.

"And so ends my forced stay with Danny and Ethan," she mused morosely. "Clearly, I became an adherent of reincarnation for a good reason: I knew that it would pay off, just as soon as I got out of that time period. Now, what's next on my list?" And with these words she pulled out a list and took a good look at it. "Devise a plan to escape my fellow inmates – check. Follow it successfully and get reincarnated (hopefully) – check. Devise a plan of vengeance against the ARC – hmm, this is going to be a tough one."

And so, whistling cheerfully, Helen Cutter went off to set up her first (out of many) TV conferences with Philip Burton, the CEO of Prospero Inc.

_End._


End file.
